Week 4/1/13

This week we discussed divorce which fortunately enough for me, has not played a huge role in my immediate family. Divorce has many factors that go beyond what the eye can see.  For instance, there are several separations that surpass just the legal documents. Besides the legal divorce, there is an emotional separation that has to occur. This is one of the hardest separations that occur because two people who have shared with one another their intimacies and deep secrets are forced to cut those ties and move on. Generally what happens is that they will move on physically (i.e. move towns or states away), but the emotional separation is a much more drawn out and painful process. There also has to be an economic separation which could be difficult because two people who have shared an income and a household now have to divide and become independent once again. If there are children involved, the father could be extremely stressed financially because he would have to be providing for two households (which could also make things difficult for him if he decides to remarry). There is also the riddle of the children. One parent can become isolated due to clashing schedules between the spouse and in the children’s lives. Communal separation is another tough aspect because all those around a divorced couple are affected as well. The in-laws, the friends, and even pets have a sense of loyalty to one spouse or the other because if they were to show any sort of affection to the opposing party, it would seem like betrayal. I’ve noticed that many of these aspects echo the truths of relationships within a dating life as well. When a boyfriend and I ended on bad terms, he wanted to come visit my apartment to see the roommates and (as much as I tried not to feel this way) there was a part of me that felt betrayed because my roommates were still talking to him and enjoyed his company. It was interesting to find that men tend to remarry sooner – this may be because men feel lonely without their children, or that it is harder for women to break ties emotionally, etc. Also, women are about 70 percent more likely to request and file for a divorce. The most important concept that I learned this week was that, you can get a divorce, but you can never get unmarried. In other words, a divorce will put some separations and gaps between two people, but there will always be the effects and the mark that one individual has left on the other after sharing such intimacy and sacredness.

Week 3/15/13

The subject is parenting. GAH! Scary! I personally do NOT look forward to having kids at this point in my life. I mean I know that it’s important and I want children eventually, but for right now I love being the selfish single person I am. When I say single, I mean that I don’t have a family of my own yet, but I am dating someone and he seems to be pretty baby hungry! Ya… we’ll have to talk about that ;). It’s just that your life changes so much and then parenting is an art; yup, an art. Basically, there are three types of parents: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritarian is being a complete dictator and permissive is when you are completely neglectful so what we should aim for is to be an authoritative parent – one that disciplines with love and creates boundaries that are not overly restricting. Ok so this isn’t too bad with small children. Although, I have two sisters who I watch and see how they discipline their children and I am learning what I need to do in order to give my kids the best chance possible. On one hand I have my oldest sister Kayla who is more of a permissive parent. As result I can see her children acting out to get attention and then when she does ask them to do something, they do not respond so well to her. On the other hand I have my second eldest sister Tawsha, who began as an authoritarian parent. Her children were told exactly what to do and when to do it. These children began to be a bit rebellious and did not like their freedom being taken from them (although now she is much better at parenting with a bit of practice). Thus, the name of the game is to give (people in general) you children a sense of freedom with discipline and some guidance. Instruction should be given appropriately according to age and there are certain things that parents need to be more involved in. For instance, you cannot let a child experiment on their own when it is too harmful to them or to others (i.e. your child wants to go drink so you let them so they can learn). Learning can take place on smaller scale problems. Children will learn from your example and react the way that they are spoken to. A good thing to remember when the children grow a bit older is that teenagers’ brains are not fully developed and thus, they cannot always plainly see the consequences to their actions (similar to how a younger child cannot fully comprehend that the heat from the stove will burn them). This is where parenting comes in – we can help our children learn responsibility and grow. It is our job as parents to guide them in such a way that we all can learn and grow, and then to teach in such a way that will be beneficial instead of harmful to our children.

Week 3/18/13

 This week I thought a lot about work and what I want my family to be doing in regards to work. For one thing, once I have kids I realize that the husband can and should be the main source of income for the family. It is a hard concept for me to grasp (being someone who has worked since a young age) to let somebody else provide for me; however, I realize that motherhood is an important and full time job that needs proper attention. Still, women feel accomplished when they can work. As far as work between the spouses goes; it is important for couples to work together. Things like doing the dishes and cooking food together is a constructive activity because men communicate better when their hands are busy and they are doing mundane work. Women communicate better face to face looking someone in the eyes while men communicate better while doing mindless work. We discussed some things that we were going to do in regards to work after learning what we did in class this week and I’ll touch on a few key points that I plan to do. For one, find time for my husband to work with my kids. This keeps communication open between them as well as teaches my children how to work and that it is better to work hard when they are younger for a very modest income so they can survive in college and then appreciate their successes. Also, I will need to involve my kids alongside me when I work because it creates important bonding and teaches them how to do the chores and tasks that I have them do. I also want to work hard so that when I do spend time with my family, I can enjoy the time and not be too overburdened with work.

Week 3/11/13

This week we discussed some of the different aspects of communication and its importance within the family unit. In class, we described the way that communication is like a circuit – if there is any break in that circuit, the whole thing will be thrown off. So in other words, communication has to go both ways. Something that greatly influences the effectiveness of communication is self-disclosure. Self-disclosure enhances both satisfaction and the feeling of intimacy. The more a spouse engages in self-disclosure, the more that both partners are likely to be highly satisfied with the relationship and feel that their intimacy needs are being met. Sarcasm is a dangerous thing that interferes with language. Sarcasm is both deceiving and usually has negative undertones within, which is why it should be avoided while trying to communicate with one’s significant partner. It is a useful skill to learn power within communication. Power is the ability to get someone to think or feel or act in a way that he/she would not have done spontaneously. There are a few different types of power; they are: coercive, reward, legitimate, expert, referent, and information.  Each power is used to manipulate the conversation to do something that benefits the conversationalist with power. Coercive power is a way to avoid punishment by spouse, reward power is a way to obtain rewards from spouse, legitimate power is a way to make one’s spouse feel that you have a right to ask something and they in response have a duty to comply, expert power is when a spouse has special knowledge or expertise, referent power is the identification with, and admiration of, spouse and desire to please him or her; and information power is manipulating the conversation by persuasion by spouse that what the spouse wants is in their own best interests.

Week 3/4/13

This week's discussion was very interesting in family relations class. While talking about crises, the book specifically mentioned some tools that are effective for coping with crises that gives all those involved the best chances for growth and to learn. One of these things is to take responsibility for yourself and your family. This means not playing the victim game and then being proactive. Then it is important to affirm your own and your family’s worth. Crises are detrimental to people’s self-esteem – and that being the case, we have to remind ourselves that we are worth changing the situation, we are worth making an effort to do better, and we are worth standing up for. Also, balance self-concern with other-concern. Just because we take responsibility for our own well-being doesn’t mean that we need to ignore the well-being of others. It is just as destructive to be self-focused as it is to be other-focused. Learn the art of reframing. Reframing means to redefine or to change our perspective on the situation. Instead of seeing something as troublesome and a burden, look at it in a way that can best benefit everyone. Finally, find and use available resources. Find encouragement and support from sources such as family, friends, religion, etc. This helped me especially this week as I was having a bit of a crisis with a fellow roommate. My roommate, Rose, doesn’t like my boyfriend and has made this clear to me through word and deed. It has been particularly hard to deal with her snide remarks that she makes to my boyfriend (whom I care for deeply and may possibly marry). I have spoken to him and made it clear that he wasn’t to talk to her and that if she said anything she would have to go out of her way. She is just forward enough that she had no problem going out of her way to do just that. I first recognized that I was feeling excessive anger towards her. I was fine to handle her in person and keep calm, but after the fact I grew more and more angry. So I pondered on what to do and how I could possibly help her to grow and still keep the peace and learn myself. I decided to talk to her. Ignoring her wasn’t working as she persisted upon insulting my boyfriend (not to mention it was when I left the room), so I expressed to her my feelings of injustice. We give full respect to her and her fiancé and I requested for the same treatment. After a discussion, I felt better and the problem is now resolved. It was important to not see myself as a victim though and to stop sulking in silence but to go and take action to fix the problem.

Week 2/25/13

Something that is so important yet so sacred is the topic of intimacy. First of all, it should ONLY be between a husband and wife. This is so vitally important to realize because it is God’s commandment. There is a reason why God views sexuality as being so sacred though. It is because God is literally giving us the power to create life – powers that only God has. When we procreate, we become one with God. Besides intercourse being a physical and emotional attachment, it is a spiritual attachment. When one defiles something that is meant to be so good and wonderful (at the right time and place), it is a sin comparable to murder in Heavenly Father’s eyes. In marital intimacy, it is important to understand that intimacy should not just be on a physical level. Also, if there is anything demoralizing, demeaning, or something that degrades one partner – it should not be done. Complete loyalty to one’s partner is essential and an easy thing to do when we are aware of things to watch out for. Infidelity is another great sin, especially for members of the LDS church because we make sacred covenants with Heavenly Father in the temple. When these covenants are broken, we have committed terrible sin. Something to consider is that “the grass is always greener on the side of the fence you water.” In other words, when we entertain thoughts of other people or immoral material, those options will constantly be in our minds and be a temptation for us.

Week 2/18/13

Family relationships are interesting and ever changing depending on circumstances and different people. That’s part of the reason why there are so many problems that arise between newlyweds. Different issues that arise between newlywed couples include adjustments to in-laws, different daily routines, finance issues, different gender roles, birth control decisions, boundaries between family members, and countless others. I appreciate discovering some of these things now while I am dating because I can watch out for them as I look for a spouse. Any two different people are going to have differences so what is key is finding someone who I share enough similarities with and someone who can coexist and is then willing to intertwine customs with me.
Something that has especially been on my mind is the problems that arise when children come into the picture. The trend associated with married couples’ relationships is that they suffer with children – each child added to the family brings more difficulty and stress upon their marriage. Once the children begin to leave the nest they reach ultimate happiness again and there are some things that can be done to avoid these “baby blues”.
A few things stuck out to me in particular as I participated today in class discussion. Number one, a couple has to maintain communication. Communication is key to a successful relationship; but more importantly positive communication. Even when a couple disagrees, it is always important to recognize ideas and different perspectives and to appreciate them. Care about what the other person has to say. Also, it is essential to be considerate. These may seem like simple things to consider but these are the concepts that are so often overlooked. When any challenges come about, realize that each partner may be struggling and that being a wife/husband/mother/father is hard work. One of the biggest points though – is to make sure that you do not portray your children as a burden. When a husband comes home from work, he shouldn’t hear “Ok, here ya go! Now it’s your turn!” No, he should be able to have the opportunity to enjoy his wonderful children. This is a concept that I need to apply to my every-day life. For instance when serving in a leadership position, it is easy to see others as a problem rather than as people. This is something to be avoided. I need to realize that each son/daughter of our Heavenly Father is just that – a blessed son or daughter who are unique and serve a special purpose with his/her own unique talents and qualities.