Week 4/1/13

This week we discussed divorce which fortunately enough for me, has not played a huge role in my immediate family. Divorce has many factors that go beyond what the eye can see.  For instance, there are several separations that surpass just the legal documents. Besides the legal divorce, there is an emotional separation that has to occur. This is one of the hardest separations that occur because two people who have shared with one another their intimacies and deep secrets are forced to cut those ties and move on. Generally what happens is that they will move on physically (i.e. move towns or states away), but the emotional separation is a much more drawn out and painful process. There also has to be an economic separation which could be difficult because two people who have shared an income and a household now have to divide and become independent once again. If there are children involved, the father could be extremely stressed financially because he would have to be providing for two households (which could also make things difficult for him if he decides to remarry). There is also the riddle of the children. One parent can become isolated due to clashing schedules between the spouse and in the children’s lives. Communal separation is another tough aspect because all those around a divorced couple are affected as well. The in-laws, the friends, and even pets have a sense of loyalty to one spouse or the other because if they were to show any sort of affection to the opposing party, it would seem like betrayal. I’ve noticed that many of these aspects echo the truths of relationships within a dating life as well. When a boyfriend and I ended on bad terms, he wanted to come visit my apartment to see the roommates and (as much as I tried not to feel this way) there was a part of me that felt betrayed because my roommates were still talking to him and enjoyed his company. It was interesting to find that men tend to remarry sooner – this may be because men feel lonely without their children, or that it is harder for women to break ties emotionally, etc. Also, women are about 70 percent more likely to request and file for a divorce. The most important concept that I learned this week was that, you can get a divorce, but you can never get unmarried. In other words, a divorce will put some separations and gaps between two people, but there will always be the effects and the mark that one individual has left on the other after sharing such intimacy and sacredness.

Week 3/15/13

The subject is parenting. GAH! Scary! I personally do NOT look forward to having kids at this point in my life. I mean I know that it’s important and I want children eventually, but for right now I love being the selfish single person I am. When I say single, I mean that I don’t have a family of my own yet, but I am dating someone and he seems to be pretty baby hungry! Ya… we’ll have to talk about that ;). It’s just that your life changes so much and then parenting is an art; yup, an art. Basically, there are three types of parents: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritarian is being a complete dictator and permissive is when you are completely neglectful so what we should aim for is to be an authoritative parent – one that disciplines with love and creates boundaries that are not overly restricting. Ok so this isn’t too bad with small children. Although, I have two sisters who I watch and see how they discipline their children and I am learning what I need to do in order to give my kids the best chance possible. On one hand I have my oldest sister Kayla who is more of a permissive parent. As result I can see her children acting out to get attention and then when she does ask them to do something, they do not respond so well to her. On the other hand I have my second eldest sister Tawsha, who began as an authoritarian parent. Her children were told exactly what to do and when to do it. These children began to be a bit rebellious and did not like their freedom being taken from them (although now she is much better at parenting with a bit of practice). Thus, the name of the game is to give (people in general) you children a sense of freedom with discipline and some guidance. Instruction should be given appropriately according to age and there are certain things that parents need to be more involved in. For instance, you cannot let a child experiment on their own when it is too harmful to them or to others (i.e. your child wants to go drink so you let them so they can learn). Learning can take place on smaller scale problems. Children will learn from your example and react the way that they are spoken to. A good thing to remember when the children grow a bit older is that teenagers’ brains are not fully developed and thus, they cannot always plainly see the consequences to their actions (similar to how a younger child cannot fully comprehend that the heat from the stove will burn them). This is where parenting comes in – we can help our children learn responsibility and grow. It is our job as parents to guide them in such a way that we all can learn and grow, and then to teach in such a way that will be beneficial instead of harmful to our children.